Chapter 23: Ah, I Really Want to Die

School was over.

The sunset laid a crimson carpet across the road.

The shadows of the wall, the creeping ivy clinging to it, the streetlights, and the electric poles patterned the carpet with intricate designs.

Clutching my backpack, I followed behind Gu Fan from a distance.

From time to time, I heard others greet him as they passed, and ask about that fake girlfriend.

For some reason, I felt a bit irritated.

I wasn’t sure why.

Maybe it was because Gu Fan was being held back by these trivial matters and couldn’t walk beside me, which disappointed me.

Or maybe it was because I resented that girl who had taken it upon herself to declare she was Gu Fan’s girlfriend to others.

Anyway, I was just very annoyed.

I stared at those students who kept bothering Gu Fan, trying to drive them off with just my gaze.

But Gu Fan didn’t seem to mind much.

I stole a glance at the side of his face.

He was always so patient.

No matter who it was, he responded with a good temper.

Even when someone was being clingy and persistent, he would gently turn them down or quietly distance himself.

Though I hated it when others interfered with the fun, peaceful daily life between me and Gu Fan, when I thought about it, hogging Gu Fan all to myself was a bit over the line.

Gu Fan’s popularity and charm were obvious just from observing his everyday life—everyone liked being around him.

For me, the fewer people I had to care about, the better.

And because that’s how I felt, I couldn’t really guess what someone like Gu Fan—whose values were much more normal than my twisted ones—might be thinking.

So, I told myself, I should give Gu Fan a little more freedom. I needed to carefully observe what he truly thought.

At last, despite being stopped by many people along the way, the two of us—one in front and one behind—made it to the bus stop. Gu Fan had finally returned to my side.

“Sorry, sorry. A bunch of people came up asking questions, so it took a bit of time.”

Gu Fan leaned forward slightly to look at my face, then smiled cheerfully.

But his tone didn’t sound particularly apologetic—in fact, it was a bit nonchalant.

“Mm, it’s okay. I’m not angry.”

In this situation, even if I was furious, I had to pretend to be understanding.

I shook my head, expression calm and unreadable, though in my mind I had already lined up a stream of complaints full of resentment.

Unfortunately, I didn’t have a chance to say any of it.

“So, what’s the deal with that girl?”

“Hah… so you heard about it too?”

This whole thing had already spread like wildfire.

It was mostly within the groups that were familiar with Gu Fan, but the impact was still huge.

It made me realize just how popular Gu Fan really was.

“Well, that’s normal, I guess? After all, good-looking guys aren’t exactly common—especially ones like Gu Fan, who’s not just handsome but also has a great personality.”

“Actually, I got targeted out of revenge.”

“Revenge? Did you get caught up in something because you helped someone?”

I didn’t believe for a second that Gu Fan would bully anyone, so I was sure this had to be someone getting back at him because he made them lose face.

“Uh, no… It was someone who confessed to me and got angry when I rejected them. So, they retaliated.”

“…A—A confession?!”

I would rather believe you actually bullied someone, Gu Fan.

My red eyes narrowed sharply, my teeth grinding nonstop, and my tail swished anxiously against the ground.

“She was the one who confessed first, right? It had to be her!”

“Ah… Yeah, she was the one who confessed.”

Phew~ For some reason, I felt relieved.

“She just wanted to gross me out by spreading rumors everywhere.

Also, I heard she came to see you.”

Huh? How do you know that so clearly?

Don’t tell me… she twisted my words and spread some nonsense?

I shot Gu Fan a wary glance, trying to read him, but couldn’t see anything in his expression, so I gave up and confessed honestly.

“Yeah… she did come to me.”

“What did she say to you?”

Gu Fan crossed his arms and looked out toward the road.

Off in the distance, the bus appeared as a small, wobbling black dot.

“Uh… nothing much. Just that you were already her boyfriend and… that I shouldn’t get close to you.”

After thinking it over, I figured in a direct-question situation like this, it was better to just tell the truth about what was said.

I wasn’t good at lying.

If the lie wasn’t tight enough, I’d have to waste effort covering it up.

And if I failed, Gu Fan would definitely start to dislike me.

He’s not the type who would tolerate being lied to.

“Hah, she’s absolutely ridiculous.

Even after I rejected her, she’s still trying to monopolize me.”

Gu Fan shook his head with a sigh, his voice tinged with clear disdain.

I glanced at him—rarely, there was a flicker of irritation at the corners of his eyes.

To think someone could actually piss off Gu Fan…

She was the second person I’d seen do that.

Hmm.

The first one was me, back when we had that falling out and I made him furious.

Right now, my heart was tangled up with all sorts of little thoughts.

I wanted Gu Fan to stay away from all that meaningless social interaction and spend more and more time with just me.

Compared to that girl’s tactics, my level of selfishness might actually be worse.

“There’s one more thing I want to tell you, Zhi Nian.”

As the bus slowly approached, Gu Fan slipped one hand into his pocket and scrolled through his phone with the other, speaking as he did.

“What is it?”

“It’s just… if something like this happens again, try to talk to me about it first.”

Gu Fan cut himself off midway through the sentence, his gaze flickering with something complicated as he glanced at me.

Just then, the bus came to a stop at the station.

He let out a barely noticeable sigh, gave a small wave, and boarded.

I snapped out of it and hurried to follow.

Sitting next to Gu Fan on the now full bus, it quickly started moving again.

It was only after a short delay that I realized what Gu Fan had meant to say.

Gu Fan probably… really hates it when I hide things from him.

More accurately, he doesn’t want me to be hurt without him knowing.

The reason we stopped being friends back then was exactly that—because I kept being bullied without ever telling him.

It wasn’t until the end of elementary school, when he accidentally witnessed it, that he found out.

That was the first time I’d seen him angry—not just at the bullies, but at me too, for being so weak.

Well, I guess that’s understandable.

Not many people are like me, always worrying about this and that, afraid to trouble others and just quietly enduring pain instead of asking for help.

I ended up wasting Gu Fan’s kindness… and was too much of a coward to ask him to make up afterward.

If it hadn’t been for this time travel, maybe I’d have regretted it for the rest of my life.

The old bus bumped along the road.

When it neared the stop by our house and I caught sight of the familiar scenery, I finally came back to myself.

Hmm… We barely talked while sitting together just now.

Maybe I should say something, even just a little?

“Um, Gu Fan, hey… me always dragging you to skip class—will it hurt your grades?”

Even though I’d promised before to spend the next three years just having fun with Gu Fan, now that I thought about it, his grades were really good.

He probably cared a lot about studying, right?

I couldn’t just carelessly lead him astray.

Occasional fun should be enough.

“Impact? Hmm… not really. I review everything at home anyway. It’s just… a bit tiring.”

“Ah! T-Tiring?! I—I’m so sorry! I’ve been making things harder for you.”

Even though it was awkward in the cramped bus seat, I bent forward in deep guilt, my cat ears bumping into Gu Fan’s stomach.

“Ha, it’s not that bad.”

“Still… I feel really bad.”

“Alright, then how about this—we limit skipping class to once a week from now on. That’ll leave more time for studying. Sound good?”

“Eh? Uh… I-I mean, I guess that’s okay… if that’s what you want.”

Actually, I didn’t like it at all.

But since Gu Fan said it like that, I couldn’t bring myself to shoot him down.

Reducing the number of times we skipped class meant I’d be seeing less of him.

What a huge misstep. I shouldn’t have brought it up at all.

“Aaaaagh! So annoying!!! Why do people only realize their mistakes after it’s too late?!”

I buried my face in my hands, scolding my clumsy self over and over again in my head.

I’ve missed so, so many chances.

I could’ve done better—been perfect, even—made Gu Fan more satisfied with me, made myself seem more elegant.

But why do I always lose composure? Why do I always end up pushing Gu Fan further away?!

“Ugh, I just want to die.”

“What? Zhi Nian, what did you just say?”

“Ah—no, nothing, nothing at all.”

Holy crap, I accidentally said that out loud.

Thank goodness my voice was quiet enough and Gu Fan didn’t hear it clearly.

*****

[Today’s White Bird Diary]

Success.

Phase one of the plan is complete—shockingly easy.

So this is my opponent?

Aside from the fact that she has an existing relationship with him, there doesn’t seem to be much to worry about.

Still, the road ahead is long.

No room for arrogance. I need to keep up the perfect image and work even harder on the next step.

Let’s do our best.