*caution*
#This episode contains content related to school violence, so readers who are reluctant to see this part are asked to skip this episode.
There was a period in my life that could be called a dark period, lasting exactly two years.
If it was short, it was a short dark age, but compared to others who experienced truly dire dark ages, it was a dark age that was embarrassing to even call a dark age.
Even for Aine, she had a difficult four years that were incomparable to my dark times.
So, my dark period was such a mild dark period that even calling it a dark period would be an insult to others who experienced a real dark period.
But that slight dark period changed a lot about me.
When I was young, I wasn't the timid kid who would get restless over the slightest mistake like I do now.
I wasn't a hikikomori who didn't even come out of my room except when a few close friends called me.
Rather, I was a popular kid who was often surrounded by kids my age.
At that time, I was very popular with my peers because I was the best at the games that were popular among elementary school students at the time.
When I defeated a boss that most of my peers couldn't even properly deal damage to, some of my friends looked at me like a hero.
Also, I had a pretty good study habits from the beginning, so I always got good grades on tests.
When I received my report card with a bright smile on my face, my peers looked at me with eyes full of envy.
When I came home and showed my report card to my parents, they always praised me.
Until I entered a brief period of darkness, my life was filled with pure happiness.
But have I been living only seeing good things, doing good things, and thinking only good things?
At some point, I started to take this world too lightly.
I didn't know what kind of behavior was offensive to others.
No, I didn't find out exactly.
"Hey, do I look easy to you?"
"You think I'm easy? I've never done that."
"You didn't take me lightly? Then why were you glaring at me like that?"
"I didn't even look at it."
At that time, I didn't have much ability to understand the situation.
At that time, I didn't know that other people could get angry over such trivial reasons.
At that time, I didn't know that I had to lower my posture in front of an angry person.
At that time, I had no idea what consequences that ignorance would bring upon me.
It started with ignorance.
Until I was in lower elementary school, the friends who used to play with me suddenly started ignoring me.
Still, I didn't really care about it at the time.
Because there was a time when I didn't even know that I was being ignored by my friends.
I was so ignorant of the world that I thought he must have had something more important to do than talk to me, so he couldn't answer.
Since both my parents worked, I was used to playing alone, so not being able to play with my friends wasn't that important to me.
I was thinking of the world completely self-centeredly.
As punishment for that, mild bullying of me began.
A pencil that was in my pencil case suddenly disappeared.
But since I happen to be such a careless person, I thought that the cause must have been me.
Then one eraser disappeared.
Even then, I didn't think much of it.
All I could think about was that I needed to take better care of my things so that I wouldn't lose my pencils or erasers in the future.
Then, something happened where someone intercepted the milk I was supposed to drink and drank it first.
From this point on, I started to think something was a little strange.
But since I drank the milk so late, I ended up thinking that someone must have mistakenly drunk it.
So I blew three chances to detect the strange air current.
And from that point on, the rumor that 'he's a fool' spread quickly among the other kids.
When I came to, my indoor shoes were thrown in the trash can.
When I came to, my bag was in the arms of other children.
"Hey, steal my bag! Just run away!"
"Wow, he really did run away when I told him to. Is he crazy?"
"Hey, look at his face. How can his face be so rotten?"
Children today are the quickest to learn the meaning of evil in history.
The adults of the time had no idea that a fifth grader could commit such organized and vicious bullying.
Now, thanks to the shocking news of school violence, adults have come to realize the fear that elementary school students can have. However, at the time, adults had no proper precedents, so they simply thought the bullying against me was just a minor prank.
After confronting the malice of the child who stole my bag and ran away, I realized the gravity of the situation and told the teacher about it.
But as I said before, the teacher thought this bullying was just a little prank.
So, the teacher only said something really irresponsible during class time, like, 'You shouldn't play pranks on your friends.'
Naturally, when the kids realized that I had told the teacher that I was being bullied, they continued the retaliatory bullying.
The milk that I was supposed to drink became a projectile weapon flying towards me.
The milk carton was thrown so hard that it spurted its contents as it hit me.
Soon, a white, bloody-smelling liquid splashed on my body.
"Hahahaha, the milk exploded!"
"Oh, it stinks. Get out of here!"
It was the most horrible experience of my life.
Twenty faces, forty eyes in one classroom, all looking at me and smiling.
From the mouths of the twenty, only teasing words came out, calling me smelly and dirty.
From then on, two feelings took root in my heart.
One was evil.
It was a determination to one day make it so that those kids who teased me wouldn't even be able to open their mouths.
The other was self-loathing.
In the end, maybe this happened because I did something wrong.
If I don't know my mistakes, isn't that a big problem for me?
The result of that thought was a terrible self-loathing that still weighs heavily on me today.
From then on, my thoughts changed greatly.
Although it was only two years of experience, it was enough to make me passive.
I was worried that if I did something, it would cause new problems.
Sometimes, when my actions really do cause new problems, I wonder if I am worth anything in this world.
I studied hard because of the evil that arose at that time, and somehow managed to get into a prestigious engineering school, but I didn't have the courage to take the initiative in anything.
To begin with, I don't even know what I want to do, and I don't think I can do anything.
So, I became even more attached to Aine after her life reached a turning point.
Aine has had twice as hard a time as I have, and is in a worse situation than I am.
Still, she stands strong and tries to build her own life.
Since entering the academy, I have been studying harder than anyone else in the academy.
He was a complete contrast to me, who was sick of studying and thought of playing whenever he had free time.
Even though he was a better student than me, he worked harder than me.
She thinks of me as a very precious person and treats me like that.
There is nothing more heartwarming, nothing more regrettable, nothing more motivating to me.
I thought that I wanted to live diligently, even if it was just for someone.
When I came into this world to save her, it was a thought I had never even thought of.
She is now a very important part of my life.
Even though I know in my head that I should push it away, my heart keeps wanting more.
I hate my greed, but I can't refuse it.
Even though I know that it might cause her deep sorrow, I just can't stop approaching her.
"Do you have anything you want to say?"
Perhaps that was why he answered Aine's question, "Are you feeling better?" with this question.
I hoped that the clear words from her mouth would prove that my greed was justified.
She also knew how to answer my questions like this.
But she didn't look at my question.
She just looked at my haggard body and mind.
"How hard has it been for you? How much have you pushed yourself?"
You say it was hard, you say you overdid it, when did I say that?
"Why have I lived like this until now? Why on earth have I lived my life so wastefully, body and soul?"
Well, why is that?
And when did the purpose of my life stop being me?
I was shocked by her completely unexpected words. I couldn't respond.
But she must have misunderstood my reaction, and soon her expression turned one of self-loathing.
I've gotten to the point where I can tell if someone is suffering from self-loathing just by looking at their expression.
"Sorry."
Why is she apologizing to me?
It was I who cowardly tried to test her heart.
With those last words, she left my hospital room.
The sky is blue.
That blue sky was terribly squeezing my heart.