Since becoming a woman, I'd thought my emotional fluctuations had diminished because I'd been hit so often. When negative emotions did flare up, I'd either choke myself or sleep to reset them.
But now I see that I'd just gotten used to being in a negative state. These days, when my mood starts positive then plummets like a roller coaster, I'm beginning to understand.
Becoming a woman has definitely made my emotions more abundant. Even as a man, I'd get choked up watching emotional movies with family or reading books like "The Thorn Fish." But I never experienced emotions welling up to the point of crying, with tears summoning even more tears.
"Ahem, hmm. I'm sorry. Sorry to everyone. I didn't cry even when my father hit me, but when I'm moved, tears just flow uncontrollably."
I made that joke out of embarrassment.
Somehow both Gabi and Jaemin were gaping, not knowing how to react. Viewers were posting "Ah..." or crying emoticons.
Hmm, not much effect. I meant it as a joke.
I don't like this atmosphere. I don't want people to see me as someone pitiful who needs coddling—I should have outgrown that as a child.
But this is probably my only chance to end this gathering where we've been chatting over coffee after finishing our tteokbokki and fried food. I subtly moved my wheelchair back and said:
"Shall we go now? Did everyone enjoy the food?"
"Yeah... Will you be okay?"
"We could rest a bit longer if you want."
Gabi stood up readily at my words.
Meanwhile, Jaemin asked with a concerned expression.
Of course, Jaemin probably said that thinking I hadn't calmed down yet.
But this is my only chance to escape this women's chat session.
I hurriedly wheeled toward the counter.
"I'm fine, really. Excuse me, could we get the bill?"
"That's thirty-two thousand won. Your eyes are still red—would you like a wet wipe to hold against them?"
"Ah, thank you."
The lunch crowd was starting to fill in, but I guess my crying in such an open space had been noticeable.
The serving lady seemed to know what had happened at our table.
But her casual kindness, offered as if nothing significant had happened, was appreciated.
Pressing the cool, moist wet wipe against my eyes, I could feel the heat around them quickly dissipating.
By then the bill was paid, and I left the restaurant still holding the disposable wet wipe.
I like these small acts of kindness.
I should keep this instead of throwing it away.
Since it's a wet wipe, I could wash and reuse it even after it dries.
The wheelchair could easily go down the stairs without Gabi or Jaemin's help.
There was a reason viewers rounded up and called it a transforming robot.
With just a little manipulation, the chair could maintain its horizontal position while smoothly navigating stairs.
But coincidentally, as we left the restaurant,
I saw the employee who had kicked us out emerging from the soup restaurant across the street.
I didn't make eye contact, so I didn't recognize her face.
But judging by her clothes, it was definitely that person.
She had kicked us out and even talked behind our backs.
Well, I wasn't particularly annoyed with her.
People even criticize the president behind closed doors, so she could certainly badmouth customers.
But since it would be awkward if our eyes met, I was about to change direction toward the subway station when—
Was it Nietzsche who said something about the abyss?
If we can see them, they can see us too.
The employee, who seemed to be heading home, ran hurriedly toward us without even waiting for the pedestrian signal.
"Excuse me! Student in the wheelchair!"
Even if the road is quiet now, there's a reason crosswalks exist.
Doesn't she know it's dangerous to cross on a red light?
...Maybe that's too rigid a thought.
Just because I've never broken traffic signals doesn't mean everyone else has to follow them too.
Thinking this, I glanced slightly in her direction.
It definitely seemed like she was calling out to me.
As I thought, the soup restaurant employee was approaching me.
Ah, since her shift is over, maybe I shouldn't call her an employee anymore.
Anyway, she came close and immediately bowed to me.
"I'm sorry, I think I said some nonsense earlier because I was too prickly..."
Jaemin made an exasperated sound watching her.
Since we had watched the video Jaemin had played while eating tteokbokki, Gabi also knew what had happened and stepped forward angrily.
But I held Gabi's wrist and responded casually.
"Ah, yes. That can happen. It's fine."
I had cried earlier just because Gabi, Jaemin, and the viewers had taken my side.
Why would I care about her insults?
Don't we exchange worse insults while playing League of Champions?
Is this a positive side effect of gaming?
I mean, ordinary insults don't even bother me anymore.
That's why I accepted her apology. Anyone can make a verbal mistake, right?
She didn't hit me—she was just having a hard day at work.
The fact that she apologized shows she's not entirely a bad person.
I was ready to let it go and continue on our way.
But the woman persistently followed us and said:
"But, it was uploaded to social media... I didn't know who you were... I'm sorry, but could you please tell your fans to forgive me? Next time you come, I'll give you something extra on the house...!"
If she had just apologized and left, it would have been fine.
But her additional comments were quite offensive.
She's basically saying she wouldn't have apologized if we weren't broadcasters and if no one had uploaded the video to social media.
Realizing her apology was only because they were receiving criticism made me uncomfortable.
Would she have come out to apologize if we were ordinary people?
From what she just added, clearly not.
"I didn't know who you were."
And I don't like such pretense.
I've seen enough of that from my father and mother for twenty years.
I don't want to see it from others too.
"We've already built up enough bad feelings between us, so I don't particularly want to go back."
"What? But you just said it was fine..."
"It being fine is one thing, but whether we go to your soup restaurant is our choice. Others will go if they want to, and won't if they don't."
"Noel is right. You're the one who did wrong, so why should we clean up after you?"
I responded with cynicism, and Jaemin backed me up.
Gabi also placed her hand on my shoulder.
As if she were becoming my protector.
Thanks to them, I could face the trembling woman with confidence.
Her face, with wrinkles hidden under makeup, was flushed red, clearly showing she was furious.
But I wasn't afraid of that.
"You, you crippled bitch, you're toying with me!"
Interesting.
Someone who was bowing just moments ago raises her hand when she realizes she can't get what she wants.
Is she going to slap me?
I'm not a saint like Jesus who would turn the other cheek after being struck.
But I'm used to being hit, so I thought about taking one clean slap and then calling the police.
...Do I look like someone who deserves to be beaten?
My father, Badro, and now this woman—they all try to hit me.
But maybe it's because I've been hit so many times.
Or maybe women's slaps just lack spirit.
The palm flying toward me seemed to move slowly, so I slightly tilted my head.
With no impact, the woman's hand swept through empty air.
That must have been her putting all her strength into the blow, because she lost her balance.
She tumbled to the ground and started screaming:
"Owww! These women are hitting an innocent person! Oh my goodness, neighbors! Someone call the police!"
Hmm. Maybe I should have let her hit me.
Was it wrong to dodge? As I was thinking this, Jaemin snapped at her incredulously:
"Ma'am, this was all being recorded. You tried to slap her, fell on your own, and now you're trying to frame us?"
"Th-this was being recorded too? That's a violation of portrait rights! I'll sue! I'm going to sue!"
"Your face isn't even showing, so what portrait rights... Well, should we go to the police station and handle this legally?"
"Jaemin, let's just go. I'd rather play another round of League of Champions than waste time on this."
If we went to the police, they would determine who was at fault.
But I know it's hard to get proper punishment for incidents that don't involve actual assault.
If I wanted compensation, I'd probably need to file a civil lawsuit based on Jaemin's broadcast video.
But that would harm Jaemin's broadcast.
And even without doing that, people would punish the woman on their own.
Whether her soup restaurant fails or people around her shun her.
And that's her responsibility. Not my concern.
"But Noel, you almost got hit just now... Are you okay?"
"I'm fine. I didn't get hit. Ah, if I had dodged and countered like this when my father hit me, I would have gotten a solo kill."
"..."
"Hmm, was that joke bad?"
"Really bad. Hey, do all you League of Champions players joke like this?"
"No... Noel is just unusual—I mean, unique."
I tried to lighten the mood that had gone sour, but neither Gabi nor Jaemin played along.
They were quick to back me up when confronting that woman, though.
Leaving the woman sitting there in dismay, we headed to the subway station.
Before going to our separate platforms, we said our goodbyes.
"Umm, so Gabi and Noel are going underwear shopping now, right?"
"Yes. Do you want to come too, Jaemin?"
"I could... No, no. A man can't go with women to buy underwear. Yeah, have fun."
After Jaemin headed toward the platform in the opposite direction, Gabi asked me:
"Why does Jaemin keep saying she's a man? Was she originally a man or something...?"
"She's definitely a woman. But in games, if you say you're a woman, weird people start flocking to you. So she says she's a man when broadcasting."
"Ah... I understand. That happens a lot. But do viewers believe such a pretty girl is a man?"
"Hmm. I don't think they do, but she seems to think they believe her. The viewers just go along with it and call her a man. When someone says she's a woman, they tease back saying she's a man."
"I see. ...About earlier. Are you really okay?"
Around then, Gabi cautiously asked me.
By "earlier," she probably meant when the soup restaurant employee followed us.
If she had been a part-timer, she could have just been fired.
But judging by her age and concern for the restaurant's image, she was probably the owner or the owner's wife.
Well, that's not important.
I looked up at Gabi and smiled brightly.
"I was fine thanks to you all. Thank you."
It would be too unfair if I could face someone showing me malice but couldn't see the faces of those on my side.
...Though I ended up bowing my head again out of embarrassment.