Was Grandmother's affection for me truly pure?
Of course, she would say it was.
If I had remained a man, the love she had shown me since I was young would never have been cut off.
No one could have predicted that I would become a woman.
It's not something that happens in the normal course of things.
So I never doubted Grandmother's love.
Even knowing it was directed at me as her grandson.
Isn't that how older people think?
That daughters might be more affectionate and cuter than sons, but they're "outsiders who leave the family."
That once they marry, they ultimately become loyal to another family.
So she might have poured more affection on her grandson who would continue the family line.
According to my aunt, Grandmother gave more love to my father than to her.
I even thought it was fortunate that she passed away when I was on academic leave and shut in my room.
At least if she died before knowing I had become a woman, she wouldn't have felt betrayed.
But if Grandmother died because of that shock.
That means she died because of me.
Of course, I didn't become a woman because I wanted to.
I went to sleep and woke up like this—do you know how much I've suffered?
Why did I have to go through this?
I thought it was natural for Father to resent me.
But at the same time, I wondered why I had to endure this.
My head drops involuntarily.
They say Grandmother died because of me, even though it wasn't my intention.
It's miserable and painful—a mixture of resentment and guilt.
"It wasn't Noel's fault. Your grandmother was elderly. Your father just needed someone to blame. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have let him go so far. I thought it was better than driving you out of the house. In the end, I regret not helping you become independent sooner..."
Mother mumbles in a remorseful tone, trying to comfort me.
And again, I feel a surge of emotion.
Father was the one who hit me, so why does Mother have to apologize?
Even Mother leaving Father and me alone was because this wasn't the worst outcome.
She must have married Father because she loved him and thought he was just temporarily going astray.
I can understand now that she believed he would soon come to his senses and return to being the caring father he once was.
But Father blaming everything on me.
It seems so childish.
Yet the thought that it might be true makes me feel wronged about becoming a woman.
He's like those immature people you only see in games.
Blaming me and dumping all responsibility on me.
After causing all that trouble and enjoying his one-sided trolling.
He's just like those people who escape to the next game as soon as one ends, taking no responsibility.
Like that strange phenomenon where the person ruining the game becomes the boss.
Father used his position of power to oppress me, then escaped to the afterlife.
So now I have no one to vent my anger on.
Mother? No, she's the one who protected me.
If this were a game, I could relieve stress by destroying the opposing team.
But that's not possible in reality.
I want to throw this phone and anything else I can grab, just hit something.
But I'm the kind of person who can't even break things at home because it would be a waste.
How could I do that here, where nothing even belongs to me?
I can't strangle myself while Mother and Aunt are watching.
So I let out all that intense hatred and anger in a sigh.
When I realize those emotions are meaningless, I suddenly feel powerless.
"I know. Anyway, thank you for saving me then. That's what I wanted to say when I came. I'm just worried whether it was worth ruining your life."
"At the time, I thought there was no other way. Sometimes I wonder if there might have been another option. But I don't regret it. I'm just glad to see your face brighten up now. And going to prison doesn't mean life is over. When I'm released, I can prepare to return to work."
Mother speaks calmly about herself in response to my weak mumbling.
Thanks to her, the boiling feelings that were about to explode seem to settle down a bit.
So what should I say in response?
I've already said thank you.
They say good words can be repeated without harm.
But if overused, wouldn't the sentiment become diluted?
While I was hesitating with these strange concerns,
Aunt leaned slightly toward me.
"Sorry to interrupt, but can I cut in for a moment? We don't have much time."
"Ah, yes. Mother, Aunt said she has something to tell you."
"Alright. Put her on."
Having missed my chance to say something to Mother, I handed the receiver to Aunt.
She brought up something that made even me flinch.
"Sister-in-law. Did you raise a girl as a boy because of the inheritance? To win Mother's favor and increase your share?"
Mother looked at Aunt through the transparent partition with an expression that seemed to ask what she was talking about.
Apparently, Mother didn't know how I appeared to other relatives.
For my part, I felt my heart breaking again, wondering if Aunt had come with me just to say such things.
I had trusted her.
I thought she was looking after me as family, being so affectionate.
Had Aunt also approached us only for money?
Mother opened her mouth to speak to Aunt.
Unfortunately, I couldn't hear her voice clearly through the receiver.
I could only tell that she said something.
"What do you mean? You kept raising a girl as a boy, so Mother must have been pleased saying 'my grandson, my heir.' Well, I understand. With Mother's personality, she would have been terribly disappointed if told you had a daughter. Or she might have pressured you to have a son. Anyway, I don't know if you were trying to increase your inheritance share or not. But our cousins are talking about it. Some are already buzzing around like flies trying to snatch Jitae's inheritance."
I see.
Whether I changed from male to female overnight, or was female but raised as male.
There's no way to know the truth.
After all, I was issued a new ID card as female at the district office.
The only traces of my life as a male are my school records.
Even those would be difficult to use as evidence without multiple levels of cross-verification.
"Legally speaking, Mother's inheritance should go to Jitae, me, and our older sister. But Mother was sentimental and left inheritance to our cousins too. Jitae received an especially large portion because he was her son and had the first grandson. You can't deny that. You know you took about a third, right?"
This led to conflicts over dividing the assets.
From one perspective, it could seem like they tricked Grandmother to get more inheritance by claiming to have a grandson.
It's disgusting.
To go this far because of money.
I could understand why our family cut ties with relatives.
Whenever they gathered, they probably talked about money, which must have disgusted my parents.
"Anyway, I wanted you to know. It hurts to be blindsided. I looked into the law, and if they file a lawsuit, we should go by the book. Then Mother's assets would be divided equally among my sister, me, and Jitae. Of course, I'd benefit from this arrangement. But this is just a bluff. Our cousins would have to give back what they received, so they won't push too hard."
Fortunately,
Aunt hadn't come to demand redistribution of the inheritance.
She still seemed greedy for money, but this was purely a warning for our benefit.
Mother was silent for a moment before speaking, and whatever she said made Aunt flare up angrily.
"What? You're going to give those people money to keep their mouths shut? Get a grip, sister-in-law. Those people won't be satisfied just because they get money once. Once they've taken a bite, they'll keep coming back for more. They're absolutely infuriating. Sigh, I shouldn't have told them about Jitae and Noel. I only did it because they're family."
By this point, I was feeling disgusted too.
It seems both Aunt and I had the same thought: "But they're still family."
That's why Aunt delivered the news of Father's death, and why I didn't block relatives who kept contacting me.
But hearing this conversation, it seems blocking them would be the right choice.
"Well, it's your and Noel's money now, so manage it wisely. Don't let those vultures take it. I hear good behavior can reduce your sentence. Take care of yourself for Noel's sake, serve your time diligently, and come out soon. Understand?"
Was that all she wanted to say?
She said goodbye to Mother and handed the receiver back to me.
Around that time, Aunt pointed to her wristwatch.
She was probably indicating that our time was almost up.
The guard who had stepped away returned.
I should say goodbye now, but I still had so much I wanted to say to Mother, and I wasn't ready to part.
So words I hadn't organized came tumbling out.
"...Mother. Do you hate me?"
"Hate you? You're the son I gave birth to with pain. Ah, it seems other people think you were female from the beginning. Yes, that might make life easier for you. Even without me, eat well, don't get sick..."
"Time's up. Please say your goodbyes now."
Before she could finish, the guard behind us announced that the visit was over.
I had just realized that Mother didn't hate me.
It felt like the wall I had built around myself was crumbling.
I thought I could finally pour out everything I had been hesitant to say.
I've been so alone.
But I'm managing somehow.
I'm doing internet broadcasts and preparing to become a professional gamer.
Thanks to my friends, Yeseul, the downstairs neighbor, Aunt, and countless viewers, I'm finding the strength to live.
Come out soon so we can live together.
That's what I wanted to say.
"...I'll come again. Mom, I love you."
"Yes, Mom loves you too, Noel."
That's all I could say.
Mother smiled at me one last time.
I wanted to smile back at her.
But with tears suddenly welling up, all I could manage was a trembling smile with my teeth showing.