If a dear friend gets into an accident, it would be sad.

If that friend falls into critical condition because of that accident, it would be even sadder.

But a true friend would still crack jokes with a smile even in such a situation.

Well... if we're talking about a traffic accident, they might say something like, "You should've dodged there. If you had, you wouldn't have gotten hurt."

Of course, this isn't genuine mockery. It's not like they actually think the person deserved it.

It's their way of comforting the suffering friend, trying to make them laugh a little, creating a positive atmosphere to give them some strength.

But what if the accident happened because of me?

What if I was the main culprit who caused that accident?

What expression should I wear then?

With what face could I possibly look at my friend?

"..."

Left alone in the hospital room after my Noona left, I stared blankly at the wall, passing time.

What happens when emotions too intense for a person to handle flood in, emotions too overwhelming to contain?

The answer is "you feel nothing."

That's me right now.

I couldn't think of anything.

I was just quietly enduring the piercing regret and self-blame tearing my heart apart.

Noona told me it wasn't my fault. At the time, I forced a smile and nodded, but the lump in my chest showed no signs of disappearing.

*Han Yeong-Seok, yeah, that bastard deserves to die. If it weren't for him, there wouldn't have been any problem. If that fucking bastard had just died, everything would have been solved.*

I tried to vent the knot inside me with such thoughts, but my throat closed up, and I couldn't spit it out.

The mountain of hatred and the regret festering within it are too massive to shift onto someone else—I'd be crushed in the process.

Like cutting your own hand when throwing broken glass at someone else.

I'm being crushed and crumbled by my own emotions.

And that naturally leads to terrible depression and self-blame.

Just like when I was under Mental Interference.

"Haah..."

Once despair and depression coil around your heart, they don't easily disappear.

The heroic narratives in comics and novels where protagonists shake off depression and rise above despair are, unfortunately, rare in reality.

People just suffer endlessly, get medication from hospitals to survive day by day, or make extreme choices.

Depression isn't classified as a mental illness for nothing.

I just didn't realize it because Hyun was by my side.

And as soon as Hyun disappeared, I ended up like this.

"Haah... fuck..."

Nothing came to mind except vulgar curses.

Depressed, depressed—even thinking that, strangely, no tears came.

I just felt helpless, wanting to give up on living, thinking, wanting to become nothing.

I know that cursing and wallowing in depression won't change anything or make anything better.

Even knowing that, I couldn't do anything.

I wanted to get better, but I couldn't. That made me even more depressed.

It felt like being stuck in quicksand.

The more I struggled, the deeper I was sucked into the bottomless mire.

*When did I become like this?*

—According to the test results, it's severe depression... But looking at the counseling results, it doesn't seem like depression...

What suddenly came to mind was when I first took a depression test after waking up in the hospital.

So it was like this from the beginning. I just turned a blind eye because Hyun was by my side, and it had been clinging to me all along.

It's terrible. No emotion could be this terrible.

So it had been there all along, silently, without a word, quietly clinging to my side.

It had been silently sharpening its knife to stab me in the back, waiting until I was alone.

I smiled bitterly at this pathetic imagination and let my arm go limp.

"Why am I like this, really... Get it together, please..."

I gritted my teeth and spat out the words, but my mind, broken from absorbing too many emotions, wouldn't listen.

*Maybe I should ask for medication.*

In a moment of impulse, I reached for the nurse call button but then withdrew my hand.

It was because of aversion.

It wasn't determination like "let me endure a little longer" or "I can do this without medication," but an aversion to psychiatric medication that stopped me.

Even though I felt like I would go crazy if I just stayed still, that pathetic aversion held me back.

Why do I reject medication while holding onto this damn helplessness and depression until the end?

I laughed at the absurdity, but soon became depressed again and sighed.

I was exhausted despite doing nothing, because of the emotional ups and downs.

So this is how people go crazy. From not being able to sleep, from depression, from helplessness.

After staring at the blanket soaked with what might be sweat or tears for a while.

Feeling like I would either go crazy and rampage, or go berserk because of the thing in my head, I briefly got up and pressed the nurse call button.

Leaning my back against the bed while waiting for the nurse, the door to the room opened and a nurse entered.

"What's wrong? Are you in pain somewhere?"

"I can't sleep... Could I possibly get a sleeping pill prescription?"

Perhaps it was an unexpected request, as the nurse looked at me with a surprised face, then said to wait a moment and left the room again.

When the nurse returned, she was holding medicine in her hand.

"I asked your attending physician and brought this. It's zolpidem, a sleeping pill. Usually, the doctor needs to be here for this prescription, but since Yu Sia has sleep disorder and severe depression in your medical records, we were able to prescribe it."

"Thank you..."

I didn't really understand what she was saying, but I got the prescription, so that was fine.

The nurse helped me take the medicine, and I swallowed the sleeping pill. I felt the elongated oval pill disappear down my throat.

My stomach felt bubbly and sour, but I just lay back down on the bed.

The nurse had already disappeared from the room.

*Let's sleep... I'll feel better after waking up.*

I lay down a bit lower so my horns wouldn't touch the wall and closed my heavy eyelids.

As always, I kept my eyes closed until sleep would come, but no matter how long I kept them closed, sleep wouldn't come.

Tick, tock.

The ticking sound of the clock on the wall grew louder, and at some point, I became conscious of even the sound of my own breathing.

Even though it wasn't hot, cold sweat flowed, and my breathing became increasingly rapid.

"Ugh, guk..."

I had already taken a sleeping pill, and if I opened my eyes now, I felt like I wouldn't be able to fall asleep at all tonight, so I turned to lie on my side with the broken part of my horn facing downward.

Changing positions seemed to help at first. But at some point, the broken horn area started to throb, and soon I had to sit up, unable to bear the pain that felt like being scraped with an iron skewer.

"Kahayuk...! Kkeuk...! Keueueu, heueu...!"

Tears that wouldn't come when I was depressed and sad now streamed down my cheeks and dripped onto the blanket.

Meanwhile, the damn clock sound showed no sign of stopping.

I opened my tightly closed eyes to check the clock and saw that two hours had passed since I decided to sleep.

Had I been doing this for two hours straight without sleeping for a moment?

"Haah..."

Even after taking a sleeping pill? Is it because I only took one? Or because I'm a Kaiju? Would it be better if I took two or three more?

Would I be able to sleep then?

After looking down at the crumpled and torn blanket caught on my nails, I raised my head to look at the nurse call button.

After briefly contemplating whether to call the nurse while staring at the bright red button, I gave up and got out of bed.

When my toes touched the cold marble floor, what little drowsiness remained vanished like a lie.

*The medicine was meaningless.*

Swallowing the rising bile, I trudged over to the window.

Perhaps my body had heated up during my struggle, as the cold from the window felt pleasant.

As I always did, I opened the window with the back of my hand and looked at the building across from me.

I reached out and placed my palm on the window. When I pressed lightly on the glass part with my nail, there was a creaking sound, and a small hole formed.

Right now, if I scratched this window lightly with my nail, I could easily pierce through it.

After that, I could briefly fly through the air to the opposite building, and that would be the end.

*Selfish bastard.*

With a bitter smile at the self-blame that refused to disappear, I sat on the windowsill and leaned against the window.

The window, cooled by the night air, quickly cooled my heated body.

After leaning there absentmindedly with half-closed eyes for a while, I closed my eyes completely while fully leaning against the window.

I couldn't see Hyun, but strangely, just knowing she was there somehow made me feel somewhat at ease.

Although it was much more uncomfortable and cramped than the bed, amazingly, I felt sleepier by the window than in bed.

What if I doze off here and fall?

*I'm tired...*

Well... at least I wouldn't die. It would hurt enough to nearly kill me...

No, if I fall from here and get to the brink of death, I could be in the same ICU as Hyun, so that wouldn't be bad either.