Honestly, I tend to browse gaming communities from time to time.
Of course, initially it was to find game information.
I've searched for information I needed, or to check if there were patch notes or new meta changes that I might have missed.
But as I started becoming more talked about, and while doing internet broadcasts,
I inevitably became concerned about my reputation.
Image—in a way, it shouldn't matter as long as I know I'm doing the right thing.
Still, in a world full of people trying to frame you and make your life difficult, I can't just sit back and do nothing.
Thankfully, until now, my viewers and fans have helped correct misunderstandings early on.
The moment some strange person appears, they show what it means to tear someone apart in chat.
For those who try to get under people's skin while carefully staying just below the threshold of legal punishment,
they get a taste of their own medicine right back at that same ambiguous boundary.
Because my viewers understand how the internet works,
I know without having to think about it how difficult things would become if I turned them against me.
Of course, not all of them would become hostile toward me.
Even if I—if our team—lost this round,
there would still be people supporting us.
Looking at it positively, HLG team used to be eliminated in the first round every time,
but this time we at least made it to the second round, and we haven't been completely eliminated yet.
We still have a match left against the team that won in the losers' bracket.
Some might think there's still a chance to show good performance if they continue supporting us.
But for hyenas who only want to tear others apart,
the only thing that matters is that our team lost, and that becomes grounds for insults.
You can't pinpoint just one factor for a game loss anyway.
Of course, it's true that Kyunghwan was sometimes in dangerous positions or took risks that the opponents capitalized on.
But if we had been leading the game well enough to cover those mistakes, like we did against SKY team,
then those errors wouldn't have been so painful.
Or if Jinseok had played more aggressively in the mid lane, walking a knife's edge,
or if I hadn't picked passive champions in rounds 2 and 3 anticipating team fights, but instead gambled on purely offensive champions and succeeded,
or if Sungjun had executed more effective ganks to give us more advantage,
then perhaps there could have been a future where we won.
But we didn't, so we lost.
And those elements are enough reason to be criticized.
If we were amateurs, it might be different, but we're professional gamers.
Fans can analyze why their supported team lost and provide feedback.
But with insults mixed in.
Am I afraid of insults now?
Not really.
Honestly, who hasn't been insulted while playing League of Champions?
It's just about who's doing the insulting.
If people who have been supportive and encouraging suddenly turn their backs or throw stones,
that would be quite painful.
I'm the type who remembers the usernames of viewers I see frequently.
I shouldn't play favorites, but
there are people who've been watching since the beginning.
And among them, some actively participate in chat, so I can't help but remember them when they become familiar.
And if I were to see them hurling insults...
Of course, I could humbly accept feedback about what I did poorly, what was disappointing, and what they'd like to see next time.
But if I see outright hostile criticism, it would hurt my heart to see that person's username again.
That's why after the match against SKY team, when I returned home, I didn't check the fan cafe I usually browse with a smile.
I could roughly guess what kind of conversations would be happening there.
Especially since the nail that sticks out gets hammered down, and I'm a bit different from other players.
Being a woman in the pro scene is extremely rare.
That scarcity alone brings attention,
but conversely, it means I attract more eyes, so if I make one mistake, I might get criticized more harshly.
No matter how used to insults I am,
if viewers turn away or if I face a wave of insults I've never seen before,
I can't guarantee it won't affect my next match.
"Noel said she'd buy dinner if we won today. I guess I'll have to buy it instead."
Maybe because I wasn't saying anything in the taxi,
Gabi made that lighthearted comment.
Right. I had promised to buy Gabi dinner if we won this match.
But since we lost, I couldn't keep that promise.
Feeling sorry about it, I smiled bitterly and joked:
"What? I thought you said eating late at night is bad for your health. What time is it now?"
"Once in a while is fine. And it's not that late. Besides, you were on an empty stomach during the match. Didn't you say feeling bloated interferes with your gameplay? Is that why you lost? Because you were too hungry to use your strength?"
"Am I some kind of carnivore? I'm not someone who loses strength if I don't eat meat. Skipping one meal is nothing."
"Hey, I'm saying this because I want to eat, okay? Just eat with me."
Despite having eaten dinner herself,
and despite strictly not eating anything after 8 PM for her figure,
her intention to comfort me was so transparent that I couldn't help but smile.
"Hmm, alright. Let's do that."
Grateful yet apologetic,
I couldn't express it properly and just went along with Gabi's suggestion.
Perhaps our conversation topic seemed interesting,
because the taxi driver chimed in:
"Are you professional gamers?"
"Yes. My friend in the back is a pro in a game called League of Champions. We're on our way back from a match today."
"Ah. I've heard of it. My son plays that game. Back in the day, Space Craft matches were popular, but I guess this game is the trend now. But as a woman, it must not be easy."
"Since it's just about handling a keyboard and mouse, I don't think there's much difference whether you're a man or woman."
"I suppose that's true. There's no reason women should be different from men. There might be physical differences like average strength being lower, but many people overcome that. I'll be rooting for you."
"Thank you."
Getting encouragement from someone who knows nothing about it,
my mood, which had been down, became quite cheerful.
While people who know the game well might be tearing our team apart right now,
someone who knows nothing offers such pure support.
...Actually, maybe that's just my prejudice?
The prejudice coming from self-blame, assuming I'd be insulted because we lost.
Maybe it's because I've done internet broadcasts, or perhaps humans naturally desire attention and recognition,
but I impulsively turned on my phone screen that I'd been fidgeting with.
Because it's simple.
I just need to move my thumb a little bit to see.
I don't even need to tap the screen multiple times.
Just turn on the screen, open the internet search site,
and click on the League of Champions community from recent sites.
And immediately I was faced with numerous posts discussing the results of this match.
[I think Nongreu is really just a Jackson one-trick] - Crepee
[Oh Kyunghwan, what are you doing as ADC at the frontline?] - Peacoke
[Kyunghwan should swim home] - SwimmingInHanRiver
[But Genji did play well tbh, picked good matchups too] - ttihwakjjit
[Let's be honest, did Nongreu do anything wrong? Everything fell apart before he could do anything] - ParmaKnight
[The most unfair is definitely Jinseok lol. He won mid every game but got dragged down by jungle and bot] - VibratingCookie
[But isn't Nongreu's floor really high? In rounds 2 and 3, her individual performance was really good. Just couldn't turn the game around due to champion limitations] - MeatNomNom
[Why does HLG's ADC always take risks? Not just Kyunghwan] - LowStandardsEducation
Even though it wasn't the fan cafe, there weren't as many insults directed at me as I expected.
Maybe because Kyunghwan's contribution to the defeat was more visibly obvious.
This made me feel relieved, but
I also felt guilty about feeling relieved that my teammate was taking the blame instead of me.
Isn't that too selfish?
And at that moment, the screen changed.
What had been the League of Champions community screen switched to an incoming call from Jaemin.
Since I was already holding my phone, there was no reason to avoid the call,
so I answered right away.
"...Oh, Jaemin. What's up?"
[What do you mean 'what's up'! Why aren't you answering my messages!]
"Well, I was in a tournament. But isn't this the first time you've called?"
[You turned off your Cocoa Talk notifications, didn't you!]
"Ah... I turned off Cocoa Talk notifications entirely because they interfere with my gaming."
[Sigh, everyone. She's really more serious about gaming than I am, see? Well, I guess that's why you're a pro gamer. Anyway, are you heading home now? I was thinking we could have dinner together.]
Calling during a broadcast, and
hearing her voice that seemed concerned despite trying to sound cheerful,
I could tell why Jaemin had called.
She probably contacted me worried that I'd be too disheartened after losing.
I appreciated it, but I deflected slightly.
I already had plans with Gabi.
"Ah, I was going to eat with Gabi. She said she'd treat me."
"Is that Jaemin? The more the merrier. The weather's getting nicer too, so if Jaemin doesn't mind coming."
[Gabi's with you too? Then I'm coming! I just go to your place, right Noel?]
"Yeah, but it'll take about 30 minutes to get home. We're still in a taxi."
[It'll take me about that long to get ready and come over too. I'll head out now!]
Even though we lost the game,
I wasn't getting as much criticism as I thought, and having two people nearby who care about me,
it felt comforting.
It gave me strength to prepare harder for the next match.
Am I just lucky with people?
Or did I gain this luck in exchange for losing my father?
Either way, the thought that I'm fortunate with relationships right now significantly improved my previously low mood.