I hadn't really been hiding it.
It was just that when the offer came in, I got so caught up in it that I didn't properly explain my condition.
Everyone was already preoccupied with preparing for the pro tournament, myself included.
I thought bringing up my condition in the middle of all that would just be creating problems where none existed.
So if I was going to mention it, I planned to quietly tell the coach.
That was my intention—I was going to say something after the scrimmage ended.
But I kept forgetting, thinking I'd say it tomorrow.
Then tomorrow became the next day, and the next.
And embarrassingly, that's how I ended up not saying anything until now.
"I'm sorry, I should have told you earlier... I truly wasn't trying to hide anything. I was just worried that if the other team members found out, they'd be concerned and it might affect their performance. I meant to tell you privately, but the opportunity never seemed to come."
"It's fine. Noel, you weren't really trying to hide it anyway. If you were, you wouldn't have been so open about it on your stream. We already know everything we need to know. We considered all that when we brought you onto the team. And at this point, where would we be without you? Especially with Hyeonseok unable to compete."
The fortunate thing was that when I apologized to the coach while we were alone in the player waiting room, he responded as if he already knew.
Come to think of it, managing players probably includes monitoring how they conduct themselves on internet broadcasts.
Since I stream for long periods, they can't watch everything all the time.
But they probably have a general sense of things.
How I conduct my streams, how viewers interact with me.
And what kind of image I've created for myself.
They might have even done a background check.
No, that would be standard procedure.
Being a pro gamer is essentially having a job.
It's normal to check someone's social media during the interview process to see what kind of person they are.
You can't risk hiring someone problematic.
So they must have thought they could handle my mental health issues.
Of course, my hospital visits happened after I joined the team, but still...
While the coach was understanding, what I had worried about—and what was actually happening—was the negative reaction from my teammates.
"Noel... are you really okay?"
"Noona, you're not seeing strange things right now, are you?"
"This season isn't your only chance. Focus on treatment first. If you're having trouble competing, just say so."
"Wait... of course I'm worried about Noel's condition, but what about us? If this season falls apart, do we just wait for the next opportunity? This is our first real chance in years, and we're going to throw it away?"
It's natural for them to worry.
I'm actually grateful.
It means they care about me.
Whether it's Dongkyu's cautious concern,
Gyeonghwan's awkward worry,
Or Jinseok's mature consideration,
I can't help but be thankful.
At the same time, I understood Seongjun's practical perspective.
No, that was actually my biggest concern as well.
If I fall apart here, I'm not the only one affected.
We're competing as a team, and with Hyeonseok already injured,
If one person falters, the whole team suffers.
There's a reason players avoid spicy, cold, and raw foods before tournaments and take care of their bodies.
Even Jinseok, who exercises so diligently, has been cutting back on everything except cardio.
Everyone's been living ascetically, suppressing their desires and cravings.
We're all running this marathon together during tournament season.
And I could ruin everything for everyone.
Just like now.
"Seongjun, if Noel's condition is really bad, we can't force her to compete."
"No, Jinseok hyung. How many years has it been? How many years have we been getting eliminated in the first round? If we miss this chance, it might not come again. Hyeonseok hyung injured his hand, but our form is peaking. We're just one match away from the finals. We could even make it to the international tournament."
"I know. I understand how precious this opportunity is. But if we push someone who's sick to win a championship, would we really feel good about it? What if something happens to Noel?"
"I'm not saying she shouldn't get treatment. Can't she just postpone it for a week? The finals end next week. She has medication, right? Can't she just hold on a little longer taking those? Is only Noel's life important? What about our careers? Our lifespan as pro gamers? Do you think we can be pro gamers forever? In just a few months, our physical abilities will decline, and rookies will take our spots. That's how this industry works. If our careers get ruined, we're done."
Teamwork isn't limited to in-game coordination.
During feedback sessions, things might get tense as everyone tries to prove their point.
Through that intense exchange of opinions, we find the right answer.
As long as there's evidence, you can argue for any play or strategy in-game.
But this kind of division isn't right.
It clearly damages team cohesion.
If they were just fighting among themselves, I might have dismissed it as boys being boys.
But conflict arising because of me makes me feel like it's all my fault.
No, it actually is my fault.
Unlike all those times when others misbehaved and blamed me.
This time, the problem really is me.
...Even knowing that, it feels unfair.
I didn't choose to be this way.
I didn't want to see hallucinations.
I never wanted this nerve-wracking player lifestyle.
This was just the only path available to make a living, so I took it.
I'm doing my best not to be a burden.
But I'm too rational a person.
While I appreciate Jinseok's words, I know Seongjun is right too.
I don't want to ruin other players' careers because of me.
So I looked painfully at Yeseul unni, who was smiling apologetically at me from the corner of the waiting room.
What would Yeseul unni want me to do?
Would she want me to take medication and receive treatment, separating from her forever so I could live in reality?
Or would she prefer I didn't take the medication so she could continue saying nice things to me...?
It's ridiculous.
She's just a hallucination.
Just my delusion in the end.
Why am I giving it meaning?
But Yeseul unni's face,
Her melancholic smile,
I simply cannot ignore it.
I think about the medication at home.
I haven't taken a single pill.
It must still be in the drawer.
I could just take it.
Something so simple.
But how could I so easily erase someone who was there for me when I needed them most?
Yet I know.
I can't tell anyone about this situation.
I trusted Gabi and Jaemin with my secret, knowing they'd take it to their graves.
But others?
Secrets spread further the more people know them.
If I were to tell anyone, it should be the coach, not everyone here.
...So the best approach I can take now is:
"I'll handle the treatment on my own. It won't affect next week's match at all, so don't worry. Did I mess up anything today? No, right? If I need to be hospitalized or something, I'll do it after the season ends."
"Noel..."
"...I'm sorry, I didn't mean to pressure you. It's just that I have no confidence in when we'll reach the finals again if not now."
Showing that nothing is wrong.
The truth is, nothing is wrong right now.
Regardless of how I feel, whether I see Yeseul unni or not,
My body is fine, my fingers move properly,
And there's nothing hindering my normal judgment.
So I need to act normal to reassure my teammates.
Thanks to that, even Seongjun apologized to me.
"It's okay. It's natural to worry about the team's performance. Coach, I'll make sure to take my medication at home. Please don't worry too much. I should go now. Gabi is waiting outside."
"...Alright. Make sure you show me that you're taking your medication."
Thanks to that, I was able to say goodbye to my teammates without incident.
"Noel! Is the feedback session over? You worked hard! Next week is the finals, right? Let's go home, eat something delicious, and get some rest!"
"Yeah, let's do that."
Leaving that suffocating player waiting room and facing Gabi's bright smile,
I felt my spirits lifting as we headed home together.
Gabi, who should have been excited about the late-night snack waiting at home,
Spoke in an unusually serious tone from the front seat of the disability taxi.
"...Noel, have you heard of 'Off the Record'?"
"I know about it. Why?"
"People say they heard you talking to yourself there... Noel, are you really okay? Are you taking your medication?"
"..."
What I thought would remain an internal team matter
Had grown much bigger than I expected.