I hated being so perceptive at times like this. I wish I just couldn't understand...
It might be unavoidable. To someone who doesn't know much about Awakeners, I'm no different from a transsexual or transgender person. Although discrimination against sexual minorities has decreased a lot, there were still many people who were averse to it, and discrimination was rampant. In particular, several anti-discrimination movements have caused great resentment.
Considering those circumstances, the fact that I, who was a man, became a woman and even married a man, would look to them like a man marrying a man.
"A little sad."
I knew it would be hard to be accepted, but I never thought I'd be looked at with disgust.
"Don't worry too much."
"Okay..."
Thanks to Shi-hyun-ssi's consideration, I was able to get some sleep. Sleeping for about an hour relieved some of my fatigue.
"Did you sleep well?"
"Yeah, nothing happened, right?"
I asked if anything had happened while I was sleeping.
"If there was, there was."
"What...?"
I was surprised by Shi-hyun-ssi's reaction. Something happened?
"There was a fight."
"What about?"
Shi-hyun-ssi was hesitating whether to tell me this or not.
"What happened?"
He's making me curious.
"Hoo, well, it's about you, so you can't not know."
Shi-hyun-ssi took me to a corner and quietly started talking.
"It was a minor issue at first."
That's how fights usually are. Starting from a minor issue, emotions build up, and even small things start to bother you, leading to a big fight.
"It was a story about you, starting with whether they believed it or not."
According to Shi-hyun-ssi, a distant relative was saying such things outside.
"But the problem is that Uncle heard it."
"Heup..."
I was momentarily breathless. Backstabbing can happen, but Uncle heard it? The uncle who sincerely apologized to me. But if he heard the backstabbing? He would have felt sorry anyway, so he must have exploded.
"He exploded."
"I guess so..."
"At first, he seemed to politely tell them not to backstab, but they didn't listen at all."
They kept backstabbing even after being told off? It was an incomprehensible action. No, did hatred have a reason? They just hated me because I was disgusting, so they must have thought they were justified.
"Well, that's why the fight happened."
The reason wouldn't have mattered. At first, they thought they were justified, but later they couldn't easily admit it because of their pride.
"So?"
"They just grumbled and left."
It seems they didn't admit it until the end.
"Maybe it would have been better not to reveal it?"
"You've already revealed it, what's the point of worrying?"
That's true, regretting it now doesn't erase the fact that I revealed it.
"Just bear it for one day, you won't see them anyway."
That was also true. I wouldn't meet them unless something like this happened. I don't need to worry too much.
I spent the time blankly until the funeral procession in the afternoon. Only my father's direct family members were at the breakfast table, and I could see them watching me and my uncle. I was just indifferent.
I had no intention of bringing it up first.
After finishing breakfast, we talked about the schedule for the rest of the day.
"They decided to cremate the remains?"
"Yes, it's hard to find a burial plot these days, you know."
"Yeah, we don't have a family burial ground, so it can't be helped."
We have money, but it's hard to make such deals these days, or something?
"Did you decide what to do with the remains?"
"Father told us to just dispose of them, but Mother said she would keep them."
Father left those words...
"He said it would be hard to find a place to leave them anyway, and it would be a burden, so just think of it easily."
As Mother continued, Uncle nodded.
"That's true, Hyung-soo-nim..."
"Still, how can I do that? I'll just keep them properly."
Mother smiled softly.
"Heo-heo, you're going through a lot."
There weren't many mourners in the morning. It meant that everyone who was supposed to come had already come. Thanks to that, I had a comfortable time. Since there was a lot of time left, we decided to tidy up before the funeral procession, and I and the children were able to wash and clean up in the camper van. I never thought they would bring a camper van here, but it helped.
"It's refreshing."
I had only been washing my face, so I felt a little uncomfortable, but it was really refreshing. It would have been better if I had washed my clothes and worn them, but I was disappointed that there wasn't enough time for that.
"Jae-won-ah, don't dawdle and come out quickly."
"Mom, when are we going home?"
"We're going tonight."
My brother and mother will be calculating and adjusting the funeral expenses, and will it really be over when the cremation is done? At first, it was so shocking and heartbreaking, but now I don't know. I didn't think I was such a cold-blooded person. Is it because I'm tired?
When I told that story to Shi-hyun-ssi, he smiled.
"It's probably because you're human."
"Is that so...?"
The funeral procession took place before noon. The road to the crematorium with the coffin in a luxury sedan was solemn and quiet.
I stood next to my brother, and people who didn't know who I was looked at me strangely.
When we entered the crematorium, the procedure was over, and we had to wait for a while.
"You've worked hard."
Uncle came to me and spoke quietly.
"It's nothing."
"Don't be discouraged even if others say strange things."
Is he worried about what happened in the early morning?
"Ahaha... everyone doesn't know anyway."
It's not for nothing that I hid my identity.
"Hyung-nim and Hyung-soo-nim were right, I understand why you hid it."
"Thank you for your concern."
"It's nothing..."
When the cremation was over, the ashes were placed in an expensive urn, and the procedure ended with everyone gathering to commemorate.
Mother put the urn in a wooden box that looked expensive.
"Thank you for your hard work."
Mother bowed to everyone.
"Hyung-soo-nim, cheer up."
After the cremation and memorial service, we returned to the funeral hall. Everyone was tired, so they greeted each other appropriately and quickly dispersed. Our family didn't leave right away and went to take Mother home together. When we arrived home, I felt strange. I thought Father would come and greet us like before. But now he wasn't there.
I'm not living here, but I feel like this, so I can't imagine how Mother feels.
"Mom."
"Don't worry? More than that, wasn't it hard?"
"Yeah, I'm okay."
"To be honest, I regret revealing Su-hyun-i's identity."
Does Mother also know what happened in the early morning?
"You won't see your relatives much anyway."
"That's true..."
It seems that's what Mother was worried about.
"I'm sorry."
Even my brother apologized.
"I thought it would go well."
How chaotic was it when I was sleeping? Was it more chaotic than Shi-hyun-ssi described?
"As I said before, you won't see them anyway, and it was good to be able to stand in front at the end."
That was certain. It was really good to be able to stand next to the coffin as the chief mourner when taking it out. I think I was satisfied with the fact that I was recognized as Father's daughter by many people at that time. There was also the major event of revealing my identity, so there was no time to be sad.
"Okay."
My brother ruffled my hair.
"Isn't everyone hungry?"
We didn't have lunch because we were going through the procedures from the funeral procession to the cremation in a row, so I was hungry. When Mira and I tried to prepare lunch, Mother stopped us.
"Mom, I'll do it."
"That's right, we'll do it."
"No, how many more opportunities will there be like this in the future? It's a time to take care of your son, daughter, son-in-law, daughter-in-law, and grandchildren."
Mira and I couldn't stop Mother from saying that. I don't know why she's saying such unsettling things.
I ate the warm meal that Mother prepared. There wasn't enough space on the table because there were children, so we had to take out a separate table, but it was nice because it was noisy. Mother didn't eat properly and was just watching with a happy expression.
"Mom, eat quickly too."
I put side dishes on Mother's rice bowl.
"I'm happy just watching the children eat."
The children were eating at a separate table, competing and playing with each other. Saet-byeol-i and Jae-won-i were especially noisy.
"I know, I know."
When I urged her, Mother ate as if she couldn't help it.
After that, we tried to spend time together, but Mother chased us away.
"Can't you see the children are tired?"
Mother must be tired too...
"Do you remember what Father said at the end?"
What Father said?
"He said our son and daughter's happiness is the most important thing."
"Yeah..."
"So now, forget about Father and live comfortably."
How can I do that!
"Understood?"
"Yeah..."
Mother must be in pain too, so I can't be stubborn... I was also worried about the children. Even though they slept, it wasn't a proper place and it was noisy.
"Mother is right."
"Mom, are you okay...?"
"I'm okay, right? And I'm not alone, right?"
Mother was looking at the box containing the urn on the table. What does it mean? Does it mean Father is next to her?
"Yeah... I understand."
It was time to back down now. Yes, I can come back later when I have time.
The road back home was quiet. I'm this tired, so the children must be tired too. When we arrived home, Shi-hyun-ssi dropped us off first and went to park.
"You can go by yourselves, right?"
"Yeah..."
Jae-won-i and Saet-byeol-i were walking awkwardly.
"Shi-u-ya, take good care of your younger siblings."
"Yes."
I sent the children up first and waited for Shi-hyun-ssi. Shi-hyun-ssi, who had finished parking, was surprised when he saw me.
"Why are you waiting?"
"Just because?"
I'm so tired that I don't even know what expression I'm making.
"You go and sleep too."
Shi-hyun-ssi came next to me and urged me.
"Yeah..."
Seeing Shi-hyun-ssi, my anxiety grew.
"Shi-hyun-ah..."
"Why?"
What am I anxious about? There's only one thing...
"Don't die before me."
"What are you talking about?"
"Just, do that."
I was scared just imagining it. How can Mother be so calm? Shi-hyun-ssi looked at me and smiled slyly.
"Why are you so cute?"
"What?"
I tried to say it bluntly, but Shi-hyun-ssi liked it even more.
"Anyway, promise me."
Shi-hyun-ssi looked a little embarrassed. I knew how unreasonable what I was saying was.
"Okay, I understand. I'll do that if possible."
"Yeah..."
Shi-hyun-ssi gently hugged me with his arm. It felt like the anxiety was disappearing.
"Let's go in quickly, I'm tired too."
"Yeah."
Shi-hyun-ssi gently escorted me.