This wasn’t the first time Jiangming had experienced such bewilderment regarding her self-identity.
Previously, she had suspected she was Centrepiece.
Later, she even wondered if she was Wu Xian.
And now, she felt she was actually Huang Xiyin —— the genuine phoenix girl, the real deal, replacement guaranteed if otherwise. The self-hypnotised performance as the phoenix maiden felt so profoundly real, that even her very soul had been profoundly stirred by it.
As a haughty noblewoman, subjected to violation and humiliation by an inferior race she despised, that sensation so exquisite it bordered on the absurd, made her heart pound uncontrollably upon reclaiming these peculiar memories.
Yet the very idea that these memories had been bestowed upon the ‘phoenix maiden’ identity by Qin Wuyi, stirred an inexplicable discomfort and displeasure in her heart.
“Are you happy?” With hands behind her back, she hopped and skipped over to the man, a radiant smile like a blossoming flower gracing her fine features, “This gift I gave you, did you enjoy it?”
“Are you upset?” Qin Wuyi studied her face.
Jiangming instinctively averted her gaze, “Why would I be? Don’t get any silly ideas, I came all this way just to find……to find you……for a bit of fun.” She leaned naturally into the man’s embrace.
And this man who was long accustomed to the young girl’s ways, customarily matched her motions, drew her tightly into his arms, and his right hand slipped inside the lapel of her male attire.
“Mm~”
Jiangming moaned softly without thinking, her cheeks flushing crimson. Opening her eyes, she muttered dreamily, “I’ve been playing the role of senior brother for so long, I’d nearly forgotten I still possess a girl’s parts. Old Qin, help me ‘remember’ a bit~ Let me recall……that I’m a slut who’ll do anything you desire~”
“You’re not a slut.” Qin Wuyi took her reddened earlobe into his mouth, licking and sucking it. He murmured his praise quietly: “You're the most alluring girl I’ve ever seen, filled with countless charms.”
“Right~ Just like that~ Praise me for being sultry~ Scold me for being slutty~”
The girl closed her almond-shaped eyes, her eyelashes trembling, her face radiating bliss. She poured out her heart unwittingly, laying bare her soul for this man to behold.
“I adore it when you praise me~ And love it when you belittle me~ I yearn to be cherished and needed by you~ Yet also wish to be treated impersonally in your eyes~”
She opened her eyes and giggled, “I don’t even know what this counts as, dependence? Love? But who under the heavens actually wants to be loved as a pet?”
Her voice trailed off, then she caressed his cheek with rapt attention, “Old Qin, without you, I’d likely be just like the other junior sisters, playing and living wildly. But with your soothing, it’s as if somewhere within me has been filled up, though I can’t quite place where it is.”
“It’s only right that I should do this, as after all, you are my wif……” Qin Wuyi felt a pang of emotion in his heart.
“Shh~” Jiangming hastily pressed two fine white-jade fingers against the man’s lips. After a moment’s thought, she blushed and declared: “I’m not your wife, Wu Xiyan is your wife, the main consort you wed and paid respects before the altar!”
She pushed him away, turned with feigned nonchalance, and flicked open her folding fan, striking a pose of refined gentlemanly grace, “I am a man, at least in heart. I’d never be a bride, surrendering my body and soul to an unreliable fellow man. I’m just……mm……I’m merely……”
After racking her brains, Jiangming finally came up with the perfect excuse:
“I’m merely a good brother who you slept with, found it quite addicting, and now couldn’t help but occasionally tempt you into illicit trysts.”
“As for that bitchy bird……she’s your spoils of war, your captive sex slave. Bully her however you please, torment her however you wish —— That’s right! That’s how it is!”
Jiangming grew increasingly confident as she spoke, as though she was deliberately cutting herself into portions, in a tone of absolute certainty.
“Is this really necessary? You’re all one person.” Qin Wuyi gave a bitter smile.
“Hmph, one person or three, who knows?” Jiangming pouted, muttering under her breath, as that strange sensation surged back into her sea of consciousness.
She’d thought that by reconnecting, the crisis of her spare body running amok would be effortlessly resolved, like knife through bamboo. Instead, she had indeed underestimated both the bottleneck of this ‘Myriad Forms’ stage, and the difficulty of reaching the next.
Two sets of perspectives, two sets of lives, and now……even two cognitions and two trains of thought had emerged.
She was Jiangming, basking in intimacy with Qin Wuyi, her heart brimming with joy.
Yet she was also Huang Xiyin, suddenly stripped of the ‘Master’ who she both loved and loathed from the bottom of her heart. Squatting beneath the tree, she watched with complex eyes as her ‘Master’ shared tenderness with another woman, while she herself lay drenched and empty.
Sweetness and sourness, contentment and emptiness, she actually found herself experiencing these contradictory emotions simultaneously. The tearing sensation within her consciousness even made her yearn to sever the connection once more.
She forcefully held on……for she feared that once severed, this connection could never be restored.
Yet such a state, akin to having a ‘split personality’, was undoubtably agonising and painful. Jiangming didn’t know how much longer she could endure it, and perhaps after drifting in confusion for a while longer, she would tip completely towards one extreme.
But for now……
“Wuh~”
Jiangming abruptly clutched her head. This act of forcibly suppressing and ignoring one side of her emotions proved too painful, draining her willpower considerably. She really was exhausted, and so she simply let go, allowing her fractured sentiments to drive her different bodies.
[It doesn’t matter……Do as you please, if you want to……]
She thought, feeling resigned and self-destructive.
The emotions of ‘Jiangming’ felt very much genuine, yet how could the feelings of the ‘little bitchy bird’ be any less real? She could no longer contain the phoenix girl’s vigorously burning desires, as well as her yearning.
The heart was ever thus, both contradictory and complex, so perhaps, this too was human nature. Like how a high school student longed to live life to the fullest, yet fret about the future, and strove to study diligently as well.
Only difference was, her spare bodies from the [Borrow Yin Method] brought greater conflict, and at the same time, she could undertake both options separately.
“Huff……puff……huff……”
Jiangming gradually loosened the hands supporting her aching head.
She turned suddenly, meeting the other’s puzzled gaze, and admitted nonchalantly: “I’m not afraid if you’ll laugh at me for this, but my puppetry artes have encountered a minor problem. Those sentiments and thoughts I’ve experienced, though aren’t truly mine, are now vying with me for the definition of my ‘Self’. At times, I even feel……as though I am them.”
“I would argue instead that those sentiments are your own.” Qin Wuyi reminded her, “Huang Xiyin wouldn’t want to be bullied by me, and the past Wu Xian sounds more like an unfeeling schemer.”
“So you’ve already met Wu Xian?” Jiangming asked, taken aback.
Qin Wuyi nodded.
“She didn’t do anything to you, did she?” Jiangming abruptly felt a pang of awkwardness. What if Wu Xian made her murder her own husband? Tch, that would make her lose face big-time, “You should be careful, she’s a deranged madwoman, and she’s hiding all sorts of things up her sleeves.”
“No, I actually found that state of yours rather cute.”
“Cu-Cute……?” Jiangming clenched her fists instinctively, and gritted her teeth a bit.
For some inexplicable reason, she felt deeply displeased, as if she was cheated on.
“You……You’re not getting jealous of yourself, are you?” Qin Wuyi looked surprised, then smiled bitterly, “I don’t know what you’re thinking, but I genuinely believe……that is also you. Perhaps what you should be thinking about isn’t confronting them, but finding a way to reconcile with these so-called ‘personalities’.”
“And then let you blithely and blatantly build your harem?” Jiangming’s tone was decidedly unfriendly.
Qin Wuyi immediately shut up, realising he had been trying to reason with a cat. And this sensitive, fangs-baring and claw-brandishing Old Jiang, really did resemble a cat with her fur standing on end.
[author] Old Jiang finds it hard to prioritize her main body over the bird’s desires, and then gets jealous over the ancient fox hanging out with her ‘good brother’ Old Qin! She’s okay with Wu Xiyan, but not Wu Xian?
Thank you for reading![/author]
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