In the evening, Mother-nim briefly opened her eyes and we were able to talk.
Mother-nim scolded me for coming, but she shed tears, seemingly happy to see her son before she died.
I couldn't bring myself to say anything there. It was also quite painful to see Shi-hyun-ie grieving there.
As I watched the two of them with a troubled expression, Father-in-law gently patted my shoulder and pushed my back.
"Father-nim?"
He didn't say anything, but I could tell what he wanted from his eyes. Father-in-law and I left the room to allow the two of them to be alone.
"I'm sorry."
"It's okay."
It's painful, but... it was something I had to go through. In fact, there were many bigger problems than this.
I wanted to ask about the funeral arrangements, but I couldn't ask while she was still alive.
"Is it hard to watch?"
"Father-nim, it must be harder for you."
"Yes... it is hard."
Silence fell again.
"It feels like I'm only doing terrible things to Shi-hyun-ie."
Was he aware of it and still doing it? I couldn't bring myself to open my mouth. If I had opened my mouth now, I would have definitely resented Father-nim.
We stayed at my in-laws' house for a few days. I took over the housework in place of my mother-in-law.
My mother-in-law's condition worsened day by day. It was obvious that she didn't have many days left.
As time passed, Shi-hyun-ie seemed to have accepted it to some extent and became calm.
"Shi-hyun-ah, are you okay?"
"Yeah, it was something that was going to happen someday."
It was something I had already experienced once.
"Still."
"Do you think your husband is that weak?"
I shook my head. When I first saw my mother-in-law, she seemed precarious, but not anymore.
"No?"
"Aren't you having a hard time?"
"I'm used to doing housework, so it's okay."
Rather, it was easier when I was doing housework because I didn't have to worry about other things.
"What will Father-nim do?"
Mother-nim really doesn't have much time left. Then Father-nim will be left alone.
"I talked to him, and he said he's going to stay."
"Ah...."
Shi-hyun-ie must be feeling anxious.
"Instead, we decided to contact him often."
"Will he answer the calls?"
"He will, probably."
Shi-hyun-ie had a slightly resigned tone. Well... my in-laws were frustrating....
I decided not to ask any more questions.
*
On the tenth day of seeing Shi-hyun-ie's face, my mother-in-law quietly closed her eyes. She had taken a lot of opioid painkillers, so it seemed like she didn't feel any pain.
Father-in-law and Shi-hyun-ie calmly prepared for Mother-in-law's funeral. They didn't bother inviting many people to the funeral and decided to only invite close relatives. I told my mom and the kids that they said they would come right away if I contacted them.
Since it was a region where not many people lived, there was no funeral hall, so we had to go to a city where many people lived.
"The facilities are really bad."
"Just go with it."
The price was so expensive that I wondered if they were overcharging us. I knew that the price of the coffin and shroud was quite high, but still....
The food for the people who visited the funeral hall was also quite bad and expensive.
Still, I have to prepare at least this much.
"I wish I could make the food myself."
"It's okay."
Shi-hyun-ie said it was okay.
"Anyway, not many people will come, and we'll send her off quickly."
"What do you mean...."
"Who does funerals like this these days? Everyone is busy, so most people just take care of it roughly."
Is that so...? Why am I being persuaded by Shi-hyun-ie?
When the preparations were roughly finished, the first day of the three-day funeral began. Shi-hyun-ie and I dressed properly as chief mourners.
"You don't have to wear it."
"Don't say that."
Why are Father-in-law and Shi-hyun-ie so eager to keep me around?
First, the villagers came. They came in a group on a bus, offered incense lightly, and left. Everyone seemed satisfied with that and immediately gathered to have a meeting similar to a neighborhood association. Father-in-law also had a conversation there, and everyone lamented Mother-in-law's death while also saying who would be next.
"That's kind of a scary thing to say."
Shi-hyun-ie indifferently kept his place.
"That's the kind of village it is."
Everyone is old and just waiting for death....
"Still, Mother-nim is lucky to have us."
Even if I didn't want to hear it, the elders were talking loudly, so I could hear that there were elders whose children had died in accidents and had no one to hold a funeral for them.
"I don't know if I should call this fortunate, but."
After sitting blankly for about 4 hours, Shi-a came with Mom.
"You've arrived?"
Shi-hyun-ie took the lead and escorted Mom.
"Yes, did your friend pass away peacefully?"
Shi-hyun-ie hesitated for a moment and then nodded cautiously.
"That's a lie."
"She took a lot of opioid painkillers, so she couldn't feel anything."
"Was her condition that bad...."
Mom went inside with a sad expression, offered incense, and bowed.
"I never thought you would go first...."
I left for a moment so that Mom could be comfortable. And I met Shi-a, who had brought Mom with difficulty.
"You worked hard."
"It's okay."
Our kids have seen their maternal grandmother, Mom, often, but they haven't seen their paternal grandmother much, so it must be awkward.
"Is it awkward?"
Shi-a couldn't hide it and showed an awkward smile.
"It's okay."
Joo-hee was clinging to her mother, Su-bin-ie, as if she was overwhelmed by the atmosphere of the funeral hall.
"You don't have to stay long, just take Grandma back up later."
"Is it really okay?"
"Yeah, we only need each other."
I agreed with Shi-hyun-ie's words. There was no need for the kids to go through the three-day funeral.
Su-bin-ie and Shi-a were looking at me carefully.
"Is it because there aren't enough people?"
"W-Well, yes...."
"Because it's the funeral of a foolish person who says their hometown is a village where everyone has left."
Father-in-law appeared from behind. Shi-a and Su-bin-ie froze.
"You've all grown up so much."
Father-in-law looked at his granddaughter and great-granddaughter and had a pleased expression.
"Y-Yes, that's right."
"Yes... you've grown up like this."
"My younger siblings have all grown up too, Jae-won-ie got married recently."
"I know. I didn't go even though I received the wedding invitation."
"I-Is that so?"
"Yes, actually, your grandmother's condition wasn't good at that time."
So that's why... that's why he didn't come.... At that time, I simply thought he was being stubborn. I never thought it would be connected like this now....
Father-in-law seemed to have said everything he wanted to say, so he quietly stroked Joo-hee's head and went inside.
"You must be hungry after coming all this way? It doesn't taste good, but would you like to eat something?"
"I-It's okay. Mother-nim, we'll take care of ourselves."
"No."
I smiled and prepared food for the kids. I prepared everything from rice, yukgaejang, suyuk, kimchi, and drinks, and Joo-hee couldn't resist and started eating.
"Were you hungry?"
"Yeah."
It doesn't taste good, but it will still fill you up.
While Shi-a and Su-bin-ie were eating, I occasionally greeted the guests who came.
It didn't taste good, but everyone ate and drank quietly and left.
"Mom, are you okay now?"
Mom, who had been inside for about an hour, came out and was eating lightly.
"Yes."
"Should I send the kids back right away? What do you want to do?"
"Aren't they going to stay and keep watch?"
Does she think that they should stay until the end of the three-day funeral since they are her granddaughters?
"He said there's no need to keep the kids if they have things to do."
"Then I should go with them."
"Are you sad?"
"No, I'm tired and want to go home and rest."
I was worried about Mom's health. Did she overdo it by coming here?
If she did, the aging process would speed up.... Still, she seemed okay from the way she was eating well.
After some more time passed, Jae-won-ie came.
"Where's Yeon-u?"
"She can't ride in the car for long."
Ah... she's pregnant, so she wants to be careful.
"She said she's sorry she couldn't come."
"It's okay."
Jae-won-ie went inside, received Shi-hyun-ie's help, offered incense, and bowed.
I watched it from the side.
"Do I have to stay long?"
"No, you can go after you've checked in."
"Really?"
Jae-won-ie seemed a little embarrassed.
"Your grandfather said he doesn't need you."
I took the embarrassed Jae-won-ie outside.
"Do you want to eat?"
"No, it's okay."
Jae-won-ie avoided me and went next to his older sister and had a conversation. It seemed like both kids were embarrassed because it was their first funeral.
While I was serving food to the few people again, Jae-won-ie and Shi-a were getting ready to leave.
"Are you leaving?"
"Since you said we can go...."
"We have to take Grandma too."
Shi-a said, looking at Mom.
"Okay, please take good care of Grandma for Mom."
I held Shi-a's hand tightly and said.
"Yeah, Mom, don't overdo it either."
"Mother-nim, are you really going to be okay alone?"
"Yes, don't worry."
I went outside the funeral hall to see Jae-won-ie and Shi-a off.
"Ugh, it's nice to get some fresh air."
As I stretched and was about to go back, Father-in-law was next to me.
"You're working hard."
"Ah, no."
Father-in-law suddenly took out a cigarette and lit it.
"You're seeing this for the first time, right?"
I haven't spent a long time with Father-in-law, but it was the first time I saw him smoking.
"I quit because of my wife's nagging...."
He took a deep drag of the cigarette and exhaled it greatly.
"Now that my wife is gone, there's no need to keep it."
"Father-nim...."
"You're having a hard time because of foolish parents."
"I'm more worried about your son than me."
Father-in-law smiled awkwardly.
"Yes...."
Father-in-law smoked again.
"I'm leaving Shi-hyun-ie in your care."
"What do you mean, leaving him in my care?"
"I won't be long either."
I was surprised by Father-in-law's words.
"Why are you so surprised? I'm older than your mom."
"That's...."
"My wife is gone, so I don't want to live long either."
I don't know how lonely he looked as he smoked.
"If I go too, that child will be very heartbroken...."
"Father-nim...."
"I'm asking you a favor."
"Yes... he's my husband? You don't have to worry."
"Okay, go inside first."
I left Father-in-law and went inside the funeral hall.
"Shi-hyun-ah...."
The moment I saw Shi-hyun-ie, my heart ached... I felt sorry for Shi-hyun-ie, who would be hurt again... and I couldn't help but hug him.
"What's wrong?"
I shook my head with my face buried in Shi-hyun-ie's chest.
Shi-hyun-ie gently stroked my hair and hugged me.
After calming down, I greeted the guests again and held the three-day funeral.
Saet-byeol-ie and her husband came late at night. They said they were a little late because Kim Seo-bang's work was finished.
And they left right away after a short while. They were the busiest of our kids, so it couldn't be helped.
Father-in-law seemed to be in a good mood because he saw his grown-up grandsons and granddaughters.
I couldn't watch that scene with a comfortable heart. The words Father-in-law said earlier kept coming to my mind.
Is this how I have to say goodbye to Mom too....
I know there's no way, but my heart ached.